disclaimer for my detractors: this is gonna be a long, sappy one. don't read it if you sniff unchartered affectations.
going thru internal debates provoked by personal revelations, to take a logical, well-reasoned decision which will generally affect an emotional standing, many thots come to mind at this juncture. my dada's encouragement to inspire me towards the contribution of a greater good, how he always says "you are acquiring skills to be useful in society, do and be there where you will be most productive for others," both my dads' (the in-law and the out-law) exemplary conduct thruout their lives in the service of others, and education in general which has inculcated in me a strong realization that much is beyond the self; and thinking about my family and myself, in terms of being happy and conventional and hence accepted, is essentially selfishness. I have always managed to aim for lofty ideals, even at the danger of being patented as "idealistic" (i HATE that term), because I have always deeply felt that I need to do everything that I am inspired to do. My one chance to life. Yes, logic dictates that when such is the case one should discipline emotional sensations strictly at the precision of mathematical detachment, and not commit to long relationships. I made decisions that were made in the reassurance of others, at least that's what I was made to understand at the time. And then life happened, and resounding accusations that "you made a bad decision" and that I should not have nuptialized seemed to be a general point of consensus leading to bonding among many bystanders. But I never did keep my aspirations a secret! where was the advise when I needed? I was then, so young and so untainted.
It's ironical tho that whereas I have practiced encouragement unto others for whatever anybody wanted to do in their life, I am however greeted with obstructions and discouragement by people perhaps I most needed to acquiesce with me. and their continued resignation to regret, hurts. let me, at least, leave the room, will you? it was perhaps in the hope of being expunged of people's preconceived conception of the type they thot that I belonged to, that I have painstakingly, and sometimes breathlessly, aimed to do everything single-handedly. I wanted to reply in action that no, I can take care of everything, "see you were wrong... and are you assured, now?" but that was not to be. of course this led to many physical debilitations and a general medicinal approach to life, convened. there were also the mandatory threats and declaration of expulsion, the dramatics and histrionics that go with it, the continued reassessment and readjustment of my designation and my gradual making peace with it, all this. while sometimes it was the people, sometimes it was the untimely vicissitudes of fate that brought new challenges to test the strengths. each time i wanted to display greatness (yes i have this obnoxious detestation towards the ordinary or the mediocre- which is not recommendable), undermining myself; not to take myself seriously, seemed the right thing to do. "because I understand the parameters of the universe," i would tell myself in these deliberations, "i am to be slighted." after a while, that of course becomes a trend; and for everybody else too.
it might have worked had there been between the two essential people in this otherwise large familial congregation of peoples, the stalwarts that aid a successful consummation. but life comes in many shades of gray, and I, I took the one less towards the white.
going thru internal debates provoked by personal revelations, to take a logical, well-reasoned decision which will generally affect an emotional standing, many thots come to mind at this juncture. my dada's encouragement to inspire me towards the contribution of a greater good, how he always says "you are acquiring skills to be useful in society, do and be there where you will be most productive for others," both my dads' (the in-law and the out-law) exemplary conduct thruout their lives in the service of others, and education in general which has inculcated in me a strong realization that much is beyond the self; and thinking about my family and myself, in terms of being happy and conventional and hence accepted, is essentially selfishness. I have always managed to aim for lofty ideals, even at the danger of being patented as "idealistic" (i HATE that term), because I have always deeply felt that I need to do everything that I am inspired to do. My one chance to life. Yes, logic dictates that when such is the case one should discipline emotional sensations strictly at the precision of mathematical detachment, and not commit to long relationships. I made decisions that were made in the reassurance of others, at least that's what I was made to understand at the time. And then life happened, and resounding accusations that "you made a bad decision" and that I should not have nuptialized seemed to be a general point of consensus leading to bonding among many bystanders. But I never did keep my aspirations a secret! where was the advise when I needed? I was then, so young and so untainted.
It's ironical tho that whereas I have practiced encouragement unto others for whatever anybody wanted to do in their life, I am however greeted with obstructions and discouragement by people perhaps I most needed to acquiesce with me. and their continued resignation to regret, hurts. let me, at least, leave the room, will you? it was perhaps in the hope of being expunged of people's preconceived conception of the type they thot that I belonged to, that I have painstakingly, and sometimes breathlessly, aimed to do everything single-handedly. I wanted to reply in action that no, I can take care of everything, "see you were wrong... and are you assured, now?" but that was not to be. of course this led to many physical debilitations and a general medicinal approach to life, convened. there were also the mandatory threats and declaration of expulsion, the dramatics and histrionics that go with it, the continued reassessment and readjustment of my designation and my gradual making peace with it, all this. while sometimes it was the people, sometimes it was the untimely vicissitudes of fate that brought new challenges to test the strengths. each time i wanted to display greatness (yes i have this obnoxious detestation towards the ordinary or the mediocre- which is not recommendable), undermining myself; not to take myself seriously, seemed the right thing to do. "because I understand the parameters of the universe," i would tell myself in these deliberations, "i am to be slighted." after a while, that of course becomes a trend; and for everybody else too.
it might have worked had there been between the two essential people in this otherwise large familial congregation of peoples, the stalwarts that aid a successful consummation. but life comes in many shades of gray, and I, I took the one less towards the white.
