the women Part II

a woman must be as elusive, vague and fleeting as she possibly can. she must either strive to be a femme fatale or a confirmed slut. otherwise there is no point ;-P :-D

the women

for a woman it is of utmost importance to have a supportive family who makes things easy for her-- otherwise there is a real danger of her dreams and hopes getting dashed, and her talents thoroughly unrealized. and the possibility of her doing something beyond the ordinary in life is somehow somewhere lost one day...

the thing is both can be done with equal aplomb, family and career, if you have a supportive surrounding. if you don't then it's always a struggle. i feel sorry that even though society has evolved so much through time, and so many women have fought so hard to bring about women's "emancipation" so to say, yet people can get very unforgiving if a woman does not succumb to her traditional roles. for a man, he must "necessarily" be ambitious. i wonder why this is not just as taken for granted for a woman. if a woman wants to make it big in life, or have non-conforming priorities, she is labeled as "careeristic" or "ambitious." As if she is NOT the "usual" type. of course this is just my humble observation. also, i am not getting into the debate of whether it is wrong or right how society manages expectations in a gender-specific way, but I firmly believe in the importance of a supportive family. 

deception vs survival

"What happens if the memories you had repressed, those that you shan't recover from, those that had become fatal to your existence, those repressed memories of monstrous days suddenly resurface? You have been able to fool a lot of people, and most yourself. You didn't want others to know about the dirty laundries, and hence you made laundry look like fun, joyous and happy! But if finally you confront your true emotions it might break you, while others still may hold you in disbelief. You'd be a fool again. Yes, repression is survival to you, but deception to others."

Dear God,

It seems hardly appropriate to say "I have butterflies in my stomach." It's more like "I have dinosaurs in my stomach"- the really angry, shrieking ones at that. Tomorrow is LSAT- my moment of truth. But then you already knew that. In the last few years hardly anything has gone my way, and it's no compulsion on you God that you ought to make compensations tomorrow for things having not gone according to my dreams and hopes for so long... No no, no such pressure, please don't get me wrong. It's just that I would like to be able to make some people happy tomorrow. I know they have waited to see me happy, I mean really happy, for a long time now. I just want to be able to do that. That's all.

After tomorrow, I'd again go back to not nagging you... at least not in the next 3 years that is not until my bar exam... (but you are probably grinning at yourself as you read this and thinking 'alas if only...').
Anyway, I hope you will not stand me up tomorrow. cya then.

P.S Please look out for my friend Naheed as well. She'd be at the test center right across the street. So no hassles for you with commuting. And if you find yourself lost, use GPS.

endgame

After a point she finds a place to salvage the soul, elevating the mind to a space where only the spiritual, the intellectual or the artistic reside- where no one can find, cannot touch, cannot hurt… and while she plays the perfect hostess to the meaningless meaningfuls of her life every day, she’s secretly plotting her death all the time. Perhaps someday when something insignificant should occur, something that didn’t seem to matter at all, she would decide to leave the whistling kettle, unattended…

For she has long hoped that in death, she will find the sweet dignity of life.

first Indian lesbian

so after giving a rather dismal Diagnostic LSAT test, I was about to get the hell out of the test room when I spotted another disgruntled face just like mine, (I am so familiar with that expression by now seeing that that is my most popular expression these days), I approached her with empathy, "yeah I didn't do as well either." she insisted we get out of the room even faster. I complied. so while we got out of the room, and out of the building, and back on the streets (in the non-prostitute sense of course), we planned to sit and talk about the LSAT, and Robin Singh, and the test we just took. And while we had not yet reached our destination, we exchanged more intimate details than what is strictly necessary. She asked me during what context I forget, "so who pays your rent?" And while I paid the rent (technically maintenance we call it) for only those 5 months when I had a job, but it would be very wrong to claim that as a general scheme of things, So introduce Raja: the husband. (But I am usually wary of talking about my personal life to a complete stranger; I can't even recall her name right now, I only remember that she was Indian). Also, until very recently I was not used to admitting that I am married, because we were not married on paper in the US, I usually used to go by "my fiance" or "my boyfriend", but in reply to the question of this rather curious stranger who found it necessary to inquire who pays my rent, of all the synonyms in the world, I chose to blurt out "my partner." And until then I did not even think there might be any misunderstanding with the term. Anyway, during our walk I was not my usual animated self, and much retired to my own thoughts-- the first thing I'd do when reaching home is change my test date, and then I have to cook the cauliflower, maybe I should take the GRE too as a backup, and then I must clean the bathroom (it's been 3 days already), and then I have to pick up a few other things from the grocery-- and thus my stream of consciousness was playing itself out-- when it was suddenly interrupted with what appeared to sound like this, "you are the first Indian lesbian I met." I was a little bewildered for the moment. And then she emphasized further, "so it's you and your partner living in the apartment?" I can't tell why but I felt lazy to talk and clarify the whole thing, when my mind was engaged with other pressing concerns, and I just thought to myself that I don't have the energy to explain all the intricate details as to why I reserve the more familiar and obvious term, "husband." So i let it be. I just replied "yes" to her question, and decided to remain remembered as the first Indian lesbian in someone's records in this world whom I don't have to meet ever again. I hope. But if I do then there would be twice as much as explaining required. Maybe I will invent a twin then! "O you must have had met my twin sister; yeah SHE'S lesbian."