disclaimer for my detractors: this is gonna be a long, sappy one. don't read it if you sniff unchartered affectations.
going
thru internal debates provoked by personal revelations, to take a
logical, well-reasoned decision which will generally affect an emotional
standing, many thots come to mind at this juncture. my dada's
encouragement to inspire me towards the contribution of a greater good,
how he always says "you are acquiring skills to be useful in
society, do and be there where you will be most productive for others,"
both my dads' (the in-law and the out-law) exemplary conduct thruout
their lives in the service of others, and education in general which
has inculcated in me a strong realization that much is beyond the self;
and thinking about my family and myself, in terms of being happy and
conventional and hence accepted, is essentially selfishness. I have
always managed to aim for lofty ideals, even at the danger of being
patented as "idealistic" (i HATE that term), because I have always
deeply felt that I need to do everything that I am inspired to do. My
one chance to life. Yes, logic dictates that when such is the case one
should discipline emotional sensations strictly at the precision of
mathematical detachment, and not commit to long relationships. I made
decisions that were made in the reassurance of others, at least
that's what I was made to understand at the time. And then life
happened, and resounding accusations that "you made a bad decision" and
that I should not have nuptialized seemed to be a general point of
consensus leading to bonding among many bystanders. But I never did
keep my aspirations a secret! where was the advise when I needed? I was
then, so young and so untainted.
It's ironical tho that
whereas I have practiced encouragement unto others for whatever anybody
wanted to do in their life, I am however greeted with obstructions and
discouragement by people perhaps I most needed to acquiesce with me. and
their continued resignation to regret, hurts. let me, at least, leave
the room, will you? it was perhaps in the hope of being expunged of
people's preconceived conception of the type they thot that I belonged
to, that I have painstakingly, and sometimes breathlessly, aimed to do
everything single-handedly. I wanted to reply in action that no, I can
take care of everything, "see you were wrong... and are you assured,
now?" but that was not to be. of course this led to many physical
debilitations and a general medicinal approach to life, convened. there
were also the mandatory threats and declaration of expulsion, the
dramatics and histrionics that go with it, the continued reassessment
and readjustment of my designation and my gradual making peace with it,
all this. while sometimes it was the people, sometimes it was the
untimely vicissitudes of fate that brought new challenges to test the
strengths. each time i wanted to display greatness (yes i have this
obnoxious detestation towards the ordinary or the mediocre- which is not
recommendable), undermining myself; not to take myself seriously,
seemed the right thing to do. "because I understand the parameters of
the universe," i would tell myself in these deliberations, "i am to be
slighted." after a while, that of course becomes a trend; and for
everybody else too.
it might have worked had there been
between the two essential people in this otherwise large familial
congregation of peoples, the stalwarts that aid a successful
consummation. but life comes in many shades of gray, and I, I took the
one less towards the white.
