social networks

so i don't usually socialize at the bars with the law school colleagues mainly because i find myself neither here nor there; one group is the singles group ready to soak up their law school stress with alcohol and amore, and the other group is the married persons/couples --they are there with their partner, possibly the only time in the week when they are hanging out with each other or they are together with other couples. so when people ask me if i made "many" friends in Indiana, i say some yes, but not many. in response they gasp and retort "but you used to be so good at it!" as if something rather terrible transpired. which is rather amusing, and besides there is plenty of loop holes in that thesis anyway. but here's why: one of the foundations of good, sound friendship is to witness each other making raving total mistakes after gulping down ounces of alcohol, and doing the most inappropriate of things that should not be remembered, and pulling back your hair while you throw up and call yourself a fool, and then taking you home. thus, keeping each other's embarrassing, black-eyed secrets cements lasting friendship. since bars near college campuses are the places to be where you can depend on such crucial social developments, indeed i have missed out on opportunities. but hey! one of these days i might find myself my niche-- unavailable single, who mentally mingles, and takes pictures of all the giant torts taking place all around ;) ah! my evil mind, you warm my heart!


disclaimer: lot of what is written is for purposes of entertainment. and not to be misunderstood as defamation or libel on any people or groups of people. (damn! i'm getting good at this :P )

besides the point

I seem to recall every now and then these days what J told me some years back, when we talked for the last time (for different reasons)... he had said what I consider today as the most poignant and astute observation, "no one is put out there to love you." While that statement couldn't be any truer in it's generic sense, it also is just as true in it's specificity...

I had sometimes wished that one day in this long stretch of life, these long hours, long days, long months, and long years, there will be at least one day when I'd be in that sort of sunset when the sky is just as much resplendent as the blazing sun, sharing an equal embrace of warmth. I guess what I am trying to say is that just for one day I wished I had been in a perfect love-equilibrium. 

once more unto the breach

disclaimer for my detractors: this is gonna be a long, sappy one. don't read it if you sniff unchartered affectations.

going thru internal debates provoked by personal revelations, to take a logical, well-reasoned decision which will generally affect an emotional standing, many thots come to mind at this juncture. my dada's encouragement to inspire me towards the contribution of a greater good, how he always says "you are acquiring skills to be useful in society, do and be there where you will be most productive for others," both my dads' (the in-law and the out-law) exemplary conduct thruout their lives in the service of others, and education in general which has  inculcated in me a strong realization that much is beyond the self; and thinking about my family and myself, in terms of being happy and conventional and hence accepted, is essentially selfishness. I have always managed to aim for lofty ideals, even at the danger of being patented as "idealistic" (i HATE that term), because I have always deeply felt that I need to do everything that I am inspired to do. My one chance to life. Yes, logic dictates that when such is the case one should discipline emotional sensations strictly at the precision of mathematical detachment, and not commit to long relationships.  I made decisions that were made in the reassurance of others, at least that's what I was made to understand at the time. And then life happened, and resounding accusations that "you made a bad decision" and that I should not have nuptialized seemed to be a general point of consensus leading to bonding among many bystanders.  But I never did keep my aspirations a secret! where was the advise when I needed? I was then, so young and so untainted.

It's ironical tho that whereas I have practiced encouragement unto others for whatever anybody wanted to do in their life, I am however greeted with obstructions and discouragement by people perhaps I most needed to acquiesce with me. and their continued resignation to regret, hurts. let me, at least,  leave the room, will you? it was perhaps in the hope of being expunged of people's preconceived conception of the type they thot that I belonged to, that I have painstakingly, and sometimes breathlessly, aimed to do everything single-handedly. I wanted to reply in action that no, I can take care of everything, "see you were wrong... and are you assured, now?" but that was not to be. of course this led to many physical debilitations and a general medicinal approach to life, convened. there were also the mandatory threats and declaration of expulsion, the dramatics and histrionics that go with it, the continued reassessment and readjustment of my designation and my gradual making peace with it, all this. while sometimes it was the people, sometimes it was the untimely vicissitudes of fate that brought new challenges to test the strengths. each time i wanted to display greatness (yes i have this obnoxious detestation towards the ordinary or the mediocre- which is not recommendable), undermining myself; not to take myself seriously, seemed the right thing to do. "because I understand the parameters of the universe," i would tell myself in these deliberations, "i am to be slighted." after a while, that of course becomes a trend; and for everybody else too.

it might have worked had there been between the two essential people in this otherwise large familial congregation of peoples, the stalwarts that aid a successful consummation. but life comes in many shades of gray, and I, I took the one less towards the white.

new york state of mind

streets of new york: so I am walking down the street super fast, drinking coffee at the same time, also super fast, when I get elbowed by this person really hard. so my immediate Pavlovian response to him is "o i'm so sorry" (being the clumsy walker that i am and being aware of that). but then I realize this time it's not my fault, so I say to him "actually you should be sorry." he looks at me like i am a raving total lunatic and walks away just the way he was.
my epiphany however is this: both of us embodied traits, albeit different, of a typical new yorker :D

yeah new yorkers are rude but on the other hand generally pretty awesome. so am not complaining ;) just making observations of roads with all its makings, the human drama being one-- similar yet different in different cities even if perhaps the same people were to inhabit them

just so you know

there are no dreams and no fantasies; just the stark reality and the unbridled cruelty of an evolutionarily selfish, survival-of the-fittest kind of loveless world. yes, we might as well teach this to our children from an early age, before they learn it thru the hard way :D

the classics

Had the most inspiring and uplifting experience listening to Beethoven's symphony no. 4 in B flat major, live in concert by the Park Avenue Chamber Symphony. At the interval an acute sense of the self engulfed as I sat alone watching the crowd break into their private groups in animated expressions. But post interval, the rendition of Mahler's Symphony no. 1 in D major, in the midst of streaming twilight through the tall glasses of the beautiful church , dissipated any shred of lonesome. In isolation to be moved, thus.

office work

so at office I am usually a nomadic member, moving from this desk to that desk without a seat of my own, hoping someone will be absent at work whose seat I can oust for a day ...all this becoz they know I am not here for the long-haul and shall be gone once law school starts in a few months. today however, I was offered a whole big ROOM!! just to myself. so I am in this gigantic room all by myself, feeling a little overwhelmed and embarrassed considering that my boss is outside sharing his cubicle with two other people!! in a few hours, suddenly, I felt someone patting my head. half-looking I ask "do you need the room?" he answers, "no dear, you sit here" and leaves. within the next 15 seconds, my boss rushes in and says, "Tina you have to vacate the room immediately, the New York City governor is here, this is his room." !! and then I realize, it is David Patterson who patted my head, whom I nonchalantly offered my room, which as it turned out is HIS room! my foot is permanently in my mouth now :-/

fantasies

maybe it's the mind-numbingly monotonous work that i am currently attending to at the job (which tho i'm promised will get less boring soon) and the fact that my boss' head pops up from the cubicle right in front of me asking me every half an hour "so Tina are we ready to shoot ourselves for the monotony, yet?" that I sublimate for the lack of creativity by writing blog entries in my head, which btw turn out incredibly funny (again, in my head) :D Also I start fantasizing about writing and drawing comic strips at the New Yorker *sigh*

the women Part II

a woman must be as elusive, vague and fleeting as she possibly can. she must either strive to be a femme fatale or a confirmed slut. otherwise there is no point ;-P :-D

the women

for a woman it is of utmost importance to have a supportive family who makes things easy for her-- otherwise there is a real danger of her dreams and hopes getting dashed, and her talents thoroughly unrealized. and the possibility of her doing something beyond the ordinary in life is somehow somewhere lost one day...

the thing is both can be done with equal aplomb, family and career, if you have a supportive surrounding. if you don't then it's always a struggle. i feel sorry that even though society has evolved so much through time, and so many women have fought so hard to bring about women's "emancipation" so to say, yet people can get very unforgiving if a woman does not succumb to her traditional roles. for a man, he must "necessarily" be ambitious. i wonder why this is not just as taken for granted for a woman. if a woman wants to make it big in life, or have non-conforming priorities, she is labeled as "careeristic" or "ambitious." As if she is NOT the "usual" type. of course this is just my humble observation. also, i am not getting into the debate of whether it is wrong or right how society manages expectations in a gender-specific way, but I firmly believe in the importance of a supportive family. 

deception vs survival

"What happens if the memories you had repressed, those that you shan't recover from, those that had become fatal to your existence, those repressed memories of monstrous days suddenly resurface? You have been able to fool a lot of people, and most yourself. You didn't want others to know about the dirty laundries, and hence you made laundry look like fun, joyous and happy! But if finally you confront your true emotions it might break you, while others still may hold you in disbelief. You'd be a fool again. Yes, repression is survival to you, but deception to others."